GOOD HEART &BAD HABITS
That it takes me hours to try to sleep. Too many things rush through my head . So basically I am a real insomniac .
I feel like I am getting weaker emotionally, though I suppose that it is helping mentally? I am making the smarter choice right? I am not acting on my feelings anymore. Currently , I am completely out my zones of comfort. The time you do not fall back with things you used to, is when you know you are making a change. Fighting the urges to do what makes me feel better, but keeping away cause I know for the future it will make me better. I question myself if it is all for good intentions for my own well being. I guess I am just trying to make myself stronger in the end. Tougher skin and steel heart. Yup, that is the goal ?
Came too close tonight….
Sanity is in reach.
I am keeping sane as much as possible. My habitual coping is not in play, so I guess the only outcome would be to be unstable. Unfamiliar with some of these emotions and being placed in this situation. If I choose to trace back the lines , I have already drawn then I wouldn’t be able to produce a new picture of an outcome. Only friends to vent to would be pages of a notebook and this. I cut out everything that disturbed the peace I tried to maintain with myself. Pain is only temporary and tears are inevitable. I push myself with the drive of taking the mental note of what I will become after all this. Old habits don’t die easy, but I will say R.I.P to them. Trust that my intuition of decisions will lead me the right way. Detach from all things that I feel I need to. I am going madly insane. Numb at times. Smile at the progress here and there. Telling myself, “Don’t worry, your going to be okay on your own.”
I see potential in everything, and everyone. Positively envisioning the good and bad in all and how it can be bettered for the best. I confide glimpses of hope and inevitable growth, especially in regards to relationships and friendships, because they possess an infinite potential to evolve into something beautiful.
Remind yourself of morals. Replace your mentality completely with all you should believe in. Find confinement in your self. Do not rely on others to carry a burden with or for you. It is so much easier to be mad, hate, and hold in anger. The most difficult is to still love and have compassion from what should bring negativity.Love through even when none is given. The fine lines of growing up that you notice is you will no longer have guidance. Its either you push yourself and choose wisely what to do, or you will keep failing until you learn. The most important thing is you always have to do things yourself. Have faith that you will do the right thing. No games for yourself or anyone anymore. Be honest. Keep in mind that happiness is not something that can be easily reach and held on to forever. Do not forget that you must go through what feels like hell, to appreciate the feeling of being in heaven.
This & That.
Moments decisions happen too quick and shift your whole life to be different in an instant. We all have dealt with not seeing clearly on what to do or react. So what happens after ?
I haven’t felt so low about things between us like this since junior year. I resent those moments in time because I neglected you. I have gotten caught up with my own self issues and selfishness . I wish it could all be blown away , but I know it is going to take some time for you to be okay again. I want to tell you how bad I need you lately. I know I have friends and whoever but nothing beats just sitting and laying with you in bed. I just want to watch tv and laugh about stupid things . The uneasy feeling in my chest hasn’t gone away … I just want us to be okay again .
killing time before my interview.